As a self-IDed, not formally diagnosed female Aspie on the brink of 40, I'm facing some interesting criticisms on two fronts. Those closest to me have accepted this lens shift without much fuss and life is flowing far more smoothly as my stress levels drop along with my mask and others accept some of my idiosyncrasies rather than railing against them. The next circles out, the family members with whom I have less frequent interactions or more strained relations, are not accepting this new paradigm quite as gracefully.
On one hand I get the common refrains, "but you don't look autistic", "but you're not a math savant", "but you're not emotionless". I am just making this all up and seeking attention/trying to be special because clearly my life isn't complicated enough. Right. Everyone wants to be labelled with a disorder/disability because that's just sooooo awesome…
On the other hand I get, "but how could you NOT know you're autistic??!!" Well, let's see… Prior to starting this journey of self discovery a few months ago my knowledge of autism/Asperger's was limited to its portrayal in popular culture (e.g. Rainman, the curious incident of the dog in the night, Big Bang Theory) and what a few friends of mine were struggling with in their sons. These expressions of autism in no way reflect my life experiences, so why would I identify in this way. I studied physical science, not human psychology. I've spent my life ensconced in academia where autistic traits are both commonplace and generally advantageous, therefore pretty "normal". Plus, the diagnostic criteria for women changed significantly long after I left school or any environment wherein someone might suggest I seek diagnosis. Yes, apparently many people "in the know" tagged me as an Aspie long before I had a clue, but no one ever mentioned it to me.
But now I await the formal tick in the box. I've opened the professional Pandora's box to see if there are other confounding issues. Maybe I'm "subcritical" and only just express some Autistic traits, but below the diagnostic threshold. It's a weird and uncomfortable place to be. Some days I wonder who I actually am.
This comes at a time when I don't seem to be able to satisfy anyone, making it all the more exhausting and exasperating. Too many people wanting completely conflicting things from me all the time. The constant tug-of-war for my attention, affection, energies, time, and ideas is pulling me apart at the seams. When I need more time for self care than ever before in my life, there is no allowance for this from anyone else. The second I carve out space for myself, I'm failing someone else.
I feel crushed by expectation and demand; emptied from filling others. My batteries are drained and I just want a nap. Perhaps for a month. Or more… If I'm deemed "on the spectrum" then maybe this is Autistic burnout. Otherwise, I guess I'm just a lazy whinger who needs to pull up her socks.
