Disjointed Heart

I really struggle with the disconnect between how I feel, how I think I feel, and how I think I should feel. This is especially true for nebulous feelings of affection and love, which I'm beginning to realise I experience quite differently than the average bear. 

People often ask me how I can stand to be away from my children and husband so much, but the truth is, it doesn't really bother me. When I'm away, my thoughts aren't with them; there's no pining, no longing, no wishing I were home. When the question is put to me, I mumble awkwardly and try to shift the conversation to how much I love my work and the deep satisfaction it provides. I choke down the guilty feelings and try to scrub away the self-slapped labels of bad mother and bad wife.

The fact is, I sometimes forget all about dearly beloved friends and family for weeks or months, only to have a sudden pang of yearning for them hit me from out of nowhere. My mind can get so caught up in the fantasy worlds in my head or those on the printed page, the real world all but ceases to exist, and along with it, the flesh and blood people I should be loving. I would, more often than not, prefer to be left alone to deeply explore the worlds and relationships of my own design rather than try to navigate the treacherous waters of the ones I inhabit.

This whirlpool of thoughts coalesced into a few verses as I tried to will myself to sleep last night. I was suffocating as my husband's unspoken question, "did you miss me while I was gone?" sucked all the oxygen out of the room, so I sketched out my silent response. However, it's broader than just that one interaction, it can apply to many. Some about which I've written previously, others I haven't. I didn't think it was particularly good, but some writer friends thought differently. So I will preserve it here.

I SO LATE

You leave
But I don't miss you
Although I know I should

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

Although you wish I would

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

I breathe when you are gone

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

I fear you’ve cast me wrong

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

Always begging me to hold

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

Shadowed secrets never told

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

I know that I should try

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

After years I wonder why

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

It always ends this way

You leave 

But I don’t miss you

Now the only choice is stay