Thanks to the #ActuallyAutistic and #WritingCommunity folks on Twitter, Pride Month has been sharply on my radar (not gadar, but we'll get to that in a minute) recently. Seeing so many out and proud folks promoting LGBTQIA writers & representation specifically by community authors is great, but it's raised a lot of questions for me personally.
The first question I have is where do I fit into this equation. I've certainly elected to follow a heteronormative path, but there were many years when crushes on girls/women came as hard and fast as for boys/men. I came out as bi to my close friends and family at the end of my senior year of high school, had a couple of brief but intense same-sex affairs, then promptly dumped it all into the "too hard" box. I still find myself crushing on another female from time to time, but as I'm no more free to act on that than on any other crush, it doesn't really concern me.
The second question is whether to put up my hand as someone writing queer characters. It is certainly a sub-theme in the book I'm writing, but doesn't "come out" until the very end. I feel like it would be a major spoiler to direct anyone to this work as representing lesbian/bi characters. This is because the story is told strictly from the perspective of an autistic female main character for whom other people's sexuality simply doesn't register.
As my MC's perceptions of the world are based largely upon my own personal experiences, it's brought me to ponder my own non-existent, or at least severely impaired "gaydar" (gay radar - the ability to identify non-het people). I don't think I have ever correctly ascertained someone's preferences in my life. Therefore, unless someone explicitly tells me when we meet or introduces me to their partner, I have no idea. It is not uncommon for me to go years knowing someone "as gay as the breeze!" and never recognise this aspect of their identity.
My most glaring experience of "gay blindness" came the summer after my first year of university. As part of my personal explorations into Judaism, I started attending a Reform Synagogue in a very yuppy community. The rabbi was a lovely and wise middle-aged woman shepherding quite a diverse flock. Always seated in the front row was a glowing same-sex couple she'd married, a boyish looking woman who always donned the traditional male kippah, a tall Asian woman with a pronounced Adam's apple, and sundry other interesting folks. Unbeknownst to me, this was the self-appointed "Dyke Row" of the congregation, who liked to sit as close as possible to their adored rabbi.
It was that woman in the men's headwear who drew all my attention. I was instantly attracted to Bee. She made my heart race and my tongue slip into knots whenever I saw her. But I couldn't figure out whether she might reciprocate my attraction. Most people would look at the company she kept, her clothing and hairstyle selections, and a few other cues and sort that out quick smart, but I agonised over it for months.
We spent lots of time together, sharing our love of bikes and interest in Judaism throughout the summer, the question of who or what she found attractive ever on the tip of my tongue. She taught me about bike maintenance and how to welcome in Shabbat. She met the aunt I was living with and my boyfriend who visited from the other side of the country. Yet it took all the gumption in the world to ask her if she was gay.
The stunned silence was quickly followed by an eruption of laughter. "Of course I am, how could you have any doubt?" was her response. I have no idea.
While this was an extreme example, it's a common experience for me. I'm always the last to know and the response of "how could you not know" is an oft repeated refrain. I simply do not have a gadar.
I started wondering if my missing gadar was at all related to my general inability to read people's intentions and body language. Someone shared an article with me recently describing how NTs can quickly scan a room full of people to ascertain how everyone relates to everyone else completely subconsciously. Apparently, there's a whole host of information about these interrelationships out there on display to which I am completely blind. I have no clue whether two people in conversation are BFFs, lovers, frenemies, siblings, or newly acquainted. Little wonder that I never correctly gauge how to join a group when the underlying dynamics are completely opaque to me. Now I understand why others are able to get it right while I can only stumble along hoping the odds will eventually play into my favour.
I suppose it would then make sense that I cannot sense people's interest in me or others around us if I can't determine this fundamental level of interaction. It certainly played a huge role in giving up on pursuing intimate relationships with women altogether. If I couldn't figure out whether someone was interested in women in general, there was no hope of discovering that someone liked me specifically. Hence why being attracted to women was simply "too complicated" for me.
I've written previously about a whole new vocabulary my autistic journey has unfurled and today I came upon a new term: expressive agnosia, the inability to perceive facial expressions, body language, and voice intonation. I've long described my religious beliefs as "staunchly agnostic", but had no idea that 'agnostic' also describes my challenges in social interactions. As with all the other things I didn't know were things, this knowledge brings both a sense of relief and sadness. Relief in knowing I'm not alone, but sadness with the realisation that I probably will never overcome this hinderance.
When you look at the photo below, what do you see? Are the two girls on the right in a relationship or new friends? Is the blond girl together with the black dude or keen on the white guy? Are the two guys together? Maybe it's impossible for anyone to make an accurate presumption based on a snapshot, but I've been told that most people could accurately sort this out in a second or two. I wouldn't have a clue unless someone did something overt like hold another person's hand or pash.
I can only imagine how much more confident I would be entering social arenas with a means of decoding people's body language, subtle facial expressions, and vocal intonations. There would be so much less anxiety about putting my foot in my mouth, being long-winded, interjecting into a private conversation, or appearing to flirt with someone unintentionally. I wonder how much different my dating life would have been if I could have picked up on subtle cues of interest instead of only ever ending up with people I chased down like a hungry cheetah or who bashed me over the head with their attentions.
As with most of my musings, these are simply thought exercises, but I always hope that my thoughts will give way to improved ways of navigating this world.
