A friend once asked me, as such friends are want to do sometime just before dawn after spending the preceding 18 or so hours together just wandering, pondering and occasionally snogging, to promise to visit Paris with him some day. Initially I just laughed it off as a ridiculous, sleep-deprivation-induced deluded demand, but he persisted. I told him I couldn't possibly make such a promise because I had no idea how I could be sure to keep it. Whether or not I could actually make good on my promise seemed immaterial to him, it was just the making of said promise he desired. This absolutely didn't compute within my literal, black and white brain, so I continually tried to dodge the request and ask that he reframe it so I could keep it. I quite doubt he has any recollection of receiving this promise today, but 25 years on, it still haunts me knowing there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I'll ever be able to fulfil it.
That's just how I am with promises. To me, they are a moral imperative, an unwritten social contract, an unbreakable oath. I thought deeply and extensively when writing my wedding vows to ensure I didn't say anything that I couldn't legitimately keep up, often including the word "try", because then if I tried but failed at something, I still kept my promise. I don't know if this is an Aspie trait or just me, but so many people seem to throw promises around willy-nilly with very little regard for their ability to fulfil them and I find this quite mortifying.
A few months ago, someone central to my life needed me to make a promise. They needed me to do something I was most unwilling to do, but it was a deal breaker. I could see quite plainly that the damage I would inflict to this person's sense of safety and security by not making the promise was too substantial for us to weather. They were also trying desperately to protect me from myself and my children with this promise, so it wasn't entirely self-serving. Finally I said, OK, I promise.
I have fought every instinct and some scathing criticism and personal attacks to uphold this promise as best as I can. Yes, I have looked for loopholes and had some minor transgressions (which I admitted to when queried), but for the most part, I have been resolute in holding to my principles. Unfortunately, there is another person suffering on the other side of this equation.
Initially, my steadfast convictions were admirable, lauded even, but now they are turned against me. Rather than possessing an unwavering moral compass, I am a "chickenshit" "heartless" succubus. It is a whiplash-inducing change in reception.
I find myself now in limbo. Toying with the edges of the loopholes leaves me anxious and guilt-ridden, filling my limited sleep with frightening dreams and clouding my waking thoughts. Strictly upholding my promise, on the other hand, brings ridicule, insults and personal attacks raining down, which fills me with animosity. I do not much care whether or not people like me out of hand, but I cannot abide being falsely accused of treacherous thoughts or acts. I never intentionally hurt anyone. I am simply trying to be as honest and true to my course as tractable.
